THE MASK....

What is THE MASK...?

I quote Charles C. Finn's Poem here, it's just a snippet but powerful in it's message all the same :

        Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

               Don't be fooled by me.

               Don't be fooled by the face I wear

               for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,

               masks that I'm afraid to take off,

               and none of them is me.

               Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,

               but don't be fooled,

               for God's sake don't be fooled.

               I give you the impression that I'm secure,

               that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well

                    as without,

               that confidence is my name and coolness my game,

               that the water's calm and I'm in command

               and that I need no one,

               but don't believe me.

THE MASK as I've grown to call it is exactly what it says on the tin!! A shield to hide behind... Those that know me personally know that I smile a lot, I'm generally a bubbily kind of person.  For goodness sake I'm known by some family and friends as Bubbles because I sign off using "Luv & Bubbles Clarebear" ha ha ha...   But what a lot of people don't know is that I had mastered THE MASK to the point, friends and family couldn't tell the difference!!! They weren't able to tell when I was genuinely happy or when I was hiding pain, but how do you strike the right balance? I don't have any answers for anyone, I don't know how many people do this themselves (but I know I'm not alone)... and I don't claim to know it all or anything about how to find the way, but I will say I have managed to find my own balance.  

No, I'm not going to share my deepest struggles, I'm still quite private, even if I am blogging about my life (lol... contradiction in terms there ha ha) But I want to share when I finally realised for myself that I had managed to get it just right...

Not so long ago, a lovely local woman, who knows me only as an acquaintance, asked me tentatively one day why I closed my business... She loved my handmade cards and couldn't understand why it was closed.  She seemed quite nervous to be asking actually :)  When I told her I closed it as I had been through a tough time in my life & needed to focus on my family, she was visibly taken aback.  She went on to tell me how incredible it was that I always seem so happy! 'Your always smiling' she said, she told me that she had heard about my situation (a separation) but didn't believe it, said it had to be a rumour, as I was always so bubbily and laughing...

I was sad at first, as I thought about THE MASK, the dreaded shield I've used for years and years.... I have been resented by people for coming across as having 'complete control' of my life through all it's ups and downs and to be fair I haven't... I'm the same as the next person... None of us have complete control and to be honest, I wouldn't necessarily really want to.... 

Why? because where would the life lessons be? How would we grow? How could we recognise the best of times if we didn't experience the worst of times?

This time I didn't hide behind the mask, nor did I give it credit for my smile as I spoke to her.  Yes I'm still facing hurdles from time to time and yes I'm down right cheesed off like the rest of us, but now the mask doesn't define how I should be, it has no power... I choose in a moment whether to be honest or not.  That power to choose has given me a new strength, which is the strength I hope she saw on that day.  

But hang on and come'ere I'm no saint, I'm no amazing kind of person, I'm just simply someone who has had a particular series of circumstances that have put me in a position to sink or swim!!! I used to appear to be floating, but now I just happen to be a person who chooses to swim, weather it's back stroke, front stroke, or even doggy paddle ha ha ha... 

It's not about how I've done it, it's that I've MANAGED to do it.  Believe me, if I can... anyone can

I'm just me...

Luv & bubbles ♥♥♥